When you’ve been unwell for longer than a few days, it takes time to find your feet again. Although your body may have valiantly shrugged off the last of the lurgy, it can take your emotions a little bit longer to recover.
I don’t mean to sound emo, I’m actually feeling quite chipper on the surface, and yet… definitely not back to normal. Pile onto that a bit of guilt at not being up to par blog-wise, work-wise, diet-wise, even mummy-wise and the need to re-balance becomes essential.
I know that I’m more of a review/swatch blog, but lately I feel a little more like just… talking, or even just exploring what else I can bring to the blogging table. Please don’t feel as if you need to listen, I talked on here (and my old blogs) before I knew any of you, and I’m sure I’ll continue long after you get bored with me. I’m just feeling a little disillusioned with blogging, it’s been that way for longer than I’d like to admit but I’m not sure how to mend it. If I took my own advice, I’d probably have a break… step away from wordpress, twitter, my online existence for a while. Except, how does one box up their online life until they’re ready to rediscover its contents when it’s such a huge part of who they are?
Eleven years ago, I wrote my dissertation on virtual communities, I met my husband-to-be in a chat room, he makes online flash games for a living, and I… well I contribute to the household income by writing a blog. Approximately 93% of my friends, I met online and communicate with… online. I’d need a fucking big box wouldn’t I?
The blogging community I was once proud to be part of has evolved into something different, as things tend to do. I’ve never blogged for fame or with any desire to be a blogging it girl and I have never been comfortable pr-ing myself. I’ve never been part of a blogging network and I’ve never seen this as a stepping stone to something better. I rarely attend events because I hate networking and putting on a facade of confidence which positively drains me the next day. I tried upping my competitive nature for a short while but it made me unhappy. The only undercurrent of a desire except for the enjoyment of blogging has been to earn enough money so that I can do it without being a drain on my family. I’m not sure that this is entirely possible without a legion of You Tube fans or at the very least, one hell of a killer instinct.
So, instead of taking a step back, I’m just going to accept that I may need to diversify as the year progresses. Will I have to go and find a “proper” job? Maybe. Do I want to? Hell no… I’ve loved enjoying spending so much time with Leila, it’s been a privilege that I don’t want to give up. But, she’ll be starting school this year and I do miss blogging for nothing other than the sheer love of it, so perhaps it will be for the best.
I think Winter does this to you, I’m aching for the warmer weather that signals the start of our geocaching season. Now that Leila is bigger, she will hopefully, finally show an interest in some wonderful weekend-long treasure-hunts with her Mum and Dad. Moving into the flat meant that to a certain degree, last Summer was a bit of write off… we were so busy fretting over starting our new life, that we forgot to actually live it. Christmas was amazing, as it always is but when my sister returned home to Australia, I think she took a bit too much of my heart with her.
You see, I’m not really sure what I’m saying… but I’m glad I’m saying it. The perils of wanting to be a pro-blogger without wanting to always conduct yourself in a professional manner are playing havoc with my blog relationship and as with any relationship, they all require hard work and a lot of honesty.
Don’t reply. I’m not fishing for comments… I’m just alleviating a bit of my blogging-guilt. Tomorrow, I’m building Leila a wendy house from the huge cardboard box that her “big girl’s” car seat got delivered in, and who knows… I might even bring myself to give away that massive bar of Fruit & Nut Dairy Milk that’s been doing nothing for my diet-guilt.
Down with guilt x