We have been together for over 20 years, our lives so entwined that I’ve never been sure how to live without you. I would like to tell you that you’ve been nothing but a miserable companion… but I would be lying. At times, you’ve been a comfort, an invisibility blanket that has shielded me from the world, holding my hand every step of the way.
Beside me throughout my childhood and teenage years, you often held me back from enjoying myself but I can’t deny that when the going got tough, you would be there to remind me that you were the only thing I would ever need in life anyway. We were thankfully never bullied for our friendship, though both knew that it was almost impossible not to be pitied.
You regularly made me sad, insecure and doubtful of a happy future with your controlling ways… but despite your omnipresence, I have only fond memories of those formative years. Further down the line, you shared those first precious moments with my husband, I think you knew I’d kick your arse if you interfered.
Every photo of every holiday, party and get-together… even on my wedding day… you’re there. My shadow.
I still often question whether it was you that screwed with my hormones, or if we were only tied together because of my hormones…. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put the chicken before the egg. Regardless, it was then that you settled in for the long haul… knowing that I wouldn’t have the strength or the willpower to leave you for good. When they said that I wouldn’t be able to have children without intervention, I turned to you for comfort… and you obliged, like you always do.
But then something clicked. I don’t even know what or why, there was no lightbulb moment, no flash of inspiration… nothing that I can pinpoint as the moment I realised our relationship had to come to an end. Like a drip feed, I started to wean myself off you and out of your controllling grasp.
It’s been a long road… 3 years in the making. Through this time… I have stumbled and fallen back into your waiting arms many times… enjoying the familiarity that you provide… but it never lasts long before once again, you become the abuser and my body, the abused. Conceiving Leila naturally served to remind me to ignore your parasitic sweet nothings that attempt to shatter my resolve. I know that you don’t mean to hurt me, you just can’t live without me.
So today, it’s with a strange mixture of loss and overwhelming joy that I tell you something:
I’m leaving you and you won’t see me again.
This morning I weighed 12st 12lb wwith a BMI of 29.7, meaning I am overweight and no longer obese.
Please excuse this post. It’s a bit of a For Leila one… but well… For me. I just really wanted to record it, somewhere.