I don’t know about you, but I woke up this morning with a distinct “Hello Monday morning, I’ve been expecting you…” kinda feeling. Maybe it’s because today is officially the “bluest day of the year”… maybe it’s because I’m dragging my heels over doing the last bit of my tax return and you know… tick-tock. Or maybe it’s just because I looked out of the window and saw a sheet of ice about an inch-thick covering the car just before the realisation that I forgot to buy de-icer this weekend.
Whatever the reason, I feel that it’s my mission in life (today, at least) to spread a little joy.
And what could be more joyful than the opportunity to win a brilliant brush set from The Body Shop? Nothing! You see, these brushes are a makeup bag staple for any ladies getting serious about makeup. I cut my teeth on The Body Shop brushes… their softy-synthetic loveliness is gentle on the face and kind to the bunnies. They’re well-cut, solidly constructed, hard-wearing, and give a beautifully-polished finish day after day.
To make buying a little easier, the UK brand has recently released a trio of Brush Collections (Essential, Expert, and Ultimate) which take the effort out of trying to decide which brushes to add to your arsenal and today, I’m giving away one set of The Expert Brush Collection.
The set includes:
Eyeshadow Brush
Lipstick & Concealer Brush
Blusher Brush
Foundation Brush
Face & Body Brush
Basically everything you’d need to create a full face of beautifully-applied makeup! The set retails at £30 online, but is worth a staggering £58 were you to buy each brush individually!
To enter the competition and stand a chance at getting your hands on the brush set, simply leave a comment below, telling me a silly joke. Go on, let’s have a bit of cheer among the misery of Blue Monday!
What do you call a fairy that hasn’t had a bath?
Stinkerbell
why did the orange stop at the top of the hill? because it ran out of juice.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? fssssssshhhhh 🙂
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s only got little legs…
I’m afraid mine is Christmas related, but it’s still my favourite!
Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other, ‘can you smell carrots?’
Why did the blond put lipstick on her forehead?
She was trying to makeup her mind!
Thought I would share a makeup related joke! Hope it cheers people up!
ameliaholly.blogspot.co.uk
I walked into my sisters room and tripped on her bra…it was a boobie trap.
Haha, I’m easily amused!
http://www.ceejayell.blogspot.co.uk
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through something so small?”
Hehe, thought i’d go for something a little cheeky, hope you enjoy 🙂
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Why did the blonde run with her bike?
Because it was going too fast for her to get on.
What did the policeman say to his stomach?
You’re under a vest.
What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror
Halloumi
What do you call a vegetarian snake?
A Quorn snake
Q. How did the blonde die while drinking milk.
A.The cow sat down.
Thought this would be appreciated.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you!
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other one…’do you know how to drive this thing or what?’
I went to the doctor and asked me if he could give me anything for wind, he gave me a kite! 🙂
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Peter
Peter who?
Peternight before you go to bed
What do you call a Dinosaur with one eye?…Doyouthinkhesawus!
(My daughter’s response to this joke was, “Is it a Oneeyeddoyouthinkhe?
A mushroom went to a party
He was a fungi
My brother’s favourite:
“What’s red and invisible?”
“No tomatoes”
I’m not really sure what it means, but it’s now funny by default to us 🙂
My dad told me If I get an email telling me you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s spam
Best said in a Birmingham or Dudley accent.
What’s the difference between a bison and a buffalo?
You can’t wash your dishes in a buffalo!
Burum-tsch!
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patio Furniture
What’s a chicken’s favourite type of bread?
BAGUETTE!!!-Got to say it in a squaKwy-chicken styley otherwise it doesn’t work. I’ll get me coat….
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue
How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!:))
What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing, he wont come anyway!
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
He says to the bar man “Ill have a pint please, and a whiskey for Tiny here”, gesturing to his shoulder.
The bar man asks “Why is he called Tiny?”
The man replies “Because he’s my newt.”
I could paint a nice picture of me with these!
Which cheese can you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone!
2 snowmen in a field one snowman says to the other “*sniff sniff* can you smell carrots?”
2 fish in a tank. One says to the other ‘how do you drive this thing?’
What does a vegan zombie eat?
…Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
Why did the sand blush ?
because the sea weed !!!
Inventor of the open-toed sandal?
Phillipe Felope
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says to the bartender “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second chemist says “I’ll just have water.” He turns to his companion and says “I know we’re scientists and all, but there’s no need to bring our work home with us and complicate things.” The first chemist curses under his breath, his assassination plot foiled.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
Why did the Chicken cross the Football Pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a “fowl
what do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole – hot cross bunny
What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror?
Halloumi!!!!!
This made me laugh for days once!!! X
How do you drown a Hipster?
In the mainstream
Do you know the joke about the butter? – Well I’m not gonna tell you cause your’ll spread it
Did you hear about the man who was rushed into surgery this morning after six toy horses were found up his rear end?
Doctors have described his condition as stable
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT’S POINTLESS!
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Hey, we have a drink named after you!’
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ‘You have a drink named Steve?’
How come beautiful women never lose a fight?
Because they know how to make-up
I have to share my favourite:
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
Sistermatic!
And you can’t do one without the other-
What do you call a nun in a blender?
Twisted sister!
Why don’t you ever see a hippo hiding in a tree?
…Because they’re really good at it! hahaha
How do you wake up Lady Gaga??
Poker face!!
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was trying to make up her mind.
Aw man, I wish I had a funny joke. I do have this that I came up with once and laughed hysterically at my own joke, but my family didn’t think it was that funny:
‘Three Micks walk in to a bar, the bartender asks to speak to one, and one of the other Micks says “you’re taking the mick!”
I think it was a you had to be there joke…. 🙁
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. Pure Christmas cracker crap joke!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running away from the ball! 😛
A man is chatting to his friend in a bar telling him how he went home drunk again to his wife who chastised him for coming home with vomit all down his suit.
So his friend has a fabulous idea. Next time you’ve been drinking put a tenner in your pocket and when you vomit all over yourself and your wife tells you off again you can tell her it wasn’t you and that if she puts her hand in your pocket she will produce a tenner that the bloke who vom’d on you gave you for the dry cleaning bill.
So the next week the man goes out and once again vomits all down his jacket.
His wife tells him this is the last time and she is throwing him out.
Aha he says, but it wasn’t me- see if you just reach into my pocket there is a tenner from the man who vomited on me to pay for the dry cleaning bill. So his wife puts her hand in his pocket and pulls out not one but two tenners.
There’s two tenners in here says the wife, how do you explain that then?
Well, says the man one is from the man who vom’d on me, the other is from the one who shat in my pants!!
Sorry it’s a bit crude, but it’s one of my favourites!! xxx
I just phoned Sea World to enquire about some tickets – they said my call may be recorded and used for training porpoises …
How do you make an egg roll? You push it!!!
what did miley cyrus have for tea. twurky !
I’m in the middle of exams, really can’t think of any jokes.. what a sad life ahah 😛
What is a camp horse’s favourite food?
Haaaaaaaaaayyyyyy
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.”
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”
hehe 🙂
What is a cows favourite love song?
“When I fall in love, it will be for heifer”
Which cheese would you use to hide a small horse?
Mascarpone!
Q.How do you catch a squirrel?
A. Climb into a tree and act like a nut.
A man walks into a bar….OW!
Why don’t chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces!
How do you make a polo mint laugh?
Tickle its hole.
Why did the elephants get kicked out of the pool?
They kept dropping their trunks!
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head…Sister matic
How much does a hipster weigh?
An insta-gram!
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was the
greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies,
“I would like to hear them say… LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”
PS. read from a website and I find it truly hilarious!
what do you call a dinosaur with no eyes ????
do you think he saurus
I love chemistry jokes, they always crack me up because I’m a little nerdy like that >.< So here's one for you:
Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.
A blonde’s car breaks down. A cop pulls up and inquires about the group of naked men standing next to her car.
The blonde says, “They’re my emergency flashers.”
tee-hee.. sorry, this was my joke of the day and I loved it! I’ve nothing against blondes btw. 😛
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
Heisenberg was driving down the highway, when he was pulled over by a policeman.
PM: Do you have any idea of how fast you were going?
HB: No, but I know exactly where I am.
What did one egg say to the other?
Let’s get cracking
I popped to the corner shop and bought four corners.
A man didnt like his haircut..but it started to grow on him.
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!!
”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”
why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
she was trying to makeup her mind
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
xx
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick 🙂
Q. How do we know that the Earth won’t come to an end?
A. Because it’s round! 🙂
What’s the definition of mixed emotions? — When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Here are two similar jokes, which I love!
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other: “How do you drive this thing?”
Two birds on a perch, one says to the other: “Can you smell fish?”
Why did the ant fall off the toilet?
He was pissed off!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh..
what’s brown and sticky all over?
..
…a stick.
Went to a zoo there the other day, was only one dog at it.
It was a Shitzoo
which flower suits lipstick the most?
Two-lips x
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea!
Where did Hitler keep his Armies?
Up his sleevies!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummie bear!
what do you call a donkey with 3 legs? a wonkey
Q: What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
A: Her nose!
What kind of horses go out after dusk?
Nightmares!
what did the lawyer name his daughter?
…sue
Woman goes into a bar and orders a double entendre.
The barman gives her one!
Q Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
A So she could make up her mind!
A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
“Great,” says the frog, “Will I meet her at a party?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next year – in biology class.”
This was the first joke I can ever remember, didn’t get it at first, well I was very young at the time.
What’s black and white, and red all over? – an old newspaper!
Sorry.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says: ‘You gotta leave. We don’t serve food here.’
🙂
what do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole – hot cross bunny.
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”
One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Someone should open up a restaurant called “I don’t care”. Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriend is always talking about.
This one liner always makes me laugh because I know my boyfriend would say that this describes me perfectly!
This always makes me chuckle
What do you call a donkey with 1 leg?
A Wonkey!
What do you call a donkey with 1 leg and 1 eye?
A Winkey Wonkey!!
A man goes into a pub with some tarmac under his arm the barmaid asks “what can I get you” the man replies “A whiskey and coke and one for the road”
How do you make a band stand?
Take away their chairs
What did the man say when he walked into the bar?
Ouch!
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man! 😛
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it’s the same dog.
😀
Why do mice have such small balls?
Because so few can dance.
if you are american when you go into the toilet and american when you come out what are you when you are in the toilet?
Europeeeeeeeinnnnnn! ha!
sorry bit of TOILET humour there! ha thats my sons favourite joke! 🙂 x
How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Pokemon!!! (Poke him on)
Why did the man dress up as a mushroom to amuse his friends?
Because he was a Fun guy.
This was the first cracker joke that made me laugh on Christmas day last year, and I haven’t forgotten it. No one else laughed…
“How do monkeys cook bread? They put it under the Gorilla!”
what would you do if you found a spaceman?
park in it man!
Where do fish keep their money? in a river bank
Why did the toilet roll go downstairs?
To get to the bottom 🙂
Q: What did the papa tomato say to the baby tomato?
A: “Hurry and ketchup!”
How do you make Lady GaGa cry?
Poker-face!!
Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired. 🙂
What do you call a man with a plant pot on his head? Doug
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
He wasn’t peeling well 🙂
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
….She was trying to make up her mind.
what did the postman say to the little girl??
Hello
(my sons first ever joke)
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk!
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To go to the Body Shop!
I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again 🙂
im rubbish at jokes! and im rubbish at make up. my friend does mine if we go out so she can have these if i win so she can continue to do a good job!
what do you call a 3 legged donkey?
A WONKEY!
What city cheats at exams?
Peking!
why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the moo-vies
Probably the daftest joke I’ve heard, but it stil makes me chuckle!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
Jenny xx
ramblingsofajaffacat.blogspot.co.uk
What’s the best way to ensure that you remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it once!
The only thing i can think of is; what do you call a donkey with three legs?
Wonkey 🙂
Why did the banana go to the doctors ?
Because he wasn’t peeling well.
How do you stop a man from biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes!
Why did the picture go to Jail? Because it was framed!
Mmmm not my best effort!
Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, “Twist to open.”
What did one shark say to the other whilst eating a clownfish?
“This tastes funny.”
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no body to go with 🙂
What do Mexicans put under their carpet? Underlay! Underlay!
A guy walks into a psychiatrist office naked and wrapped in cellophane. The psychiatrist says to him: “Well, I can clearly see your nuts”
Why have elephants got big ears??
Coz noddy wont pay the ransom.
Q:What do you call a three legged Donkey?? A: A Wonkey!!!!!
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud…courtesy of our 8 year old!
Why did everyone want to go to the party with the mushroom?
Cus he was a fungi….
Why did the bald man stick his head out of the window?
To get some fresh hair!
why did the chicken cross the road…to get to the other side (how old?!)
I was going to tell a dairy joke, but it was too cheesy.
Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other, ‘can you smell carrots?’
Q. What do u call cheese that’s not yours?
A. NACHO CHEESE!!!
2 fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
“do you know how to drive this thing”
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!
what do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
do-you-think-he-saw-us.
Why do people become bakers?
Because they knead the dough!
What do you call a funny chicken?
A Comedi-Hen!
What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it’s full of dates!
I was at the cash machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What’s Blue and smells like Green paint? Blue Paint!
the man walked into the bar and said ouch 🙂
Love this Tim Vine’s joke: I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
what did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child? You haven’t just let me down, you have let yourself down and you have let the school down.
whats long and purple?
A cucumber holding its breath.
“Did you hear the joke about the Wok that was murdered,
It’s not to everyone’s taste
It’s rather deadpan!”
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky
What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino? helephino! 🙂
“Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a letter, have you got anything you can give me”
“Hmmm, I’m not sure right now, but I’ll keep you posted” 🙂 🙂
What is a physicist’s favourite food? Fission chips.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
… it was the chicken’s day off
A man walks into a bar.
‘Ouch!’
It was an iron bar.
How does the man in the moon, cut his hair???? Eclipse it
What’s blue and has feathers?
A chicken holding its breath.
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Excuse me, this coffee tastes like mud.
Waiter- Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.:))
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look I’m changing.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You neek up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.
Whats the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
~Nothing, if the pregnant womans husband knows whats good for him.
what flies and wobbles ?
A jellycopter 🙂
An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?”
Her husband whispers back, “Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid!”
What dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can’t jump!
I just had to sack my cleaner, Carl, for breaking my washing Machine but thankfully it’s ok now he’s gone. Washing machines live longer with Carl Gone!!
How do you confuse a builder?
Line up 3 spades and tell him to take his pick
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble!
Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
A: She was trying to make up her mind.
What’ green and hairy and goes up and down?
A Gooseberry in a lift!
What’s orange and sounds like parrot….
A carrot!!
I am reading a book about superglue – I just cannot put it down!
An illustrator was found dead on his apartment by the police.
The details of the crime scene were sketchy.
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
HOW DO YOU MAKE HOLLY WATER BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT
what is the only owl you will find in a kitchen ?????
A tea- towl (tea towel!!)
Last night in my hotel i couldnt get near the fire cause of the local grandmasters talking about their latest game – I hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A. “Where’s pop corn?
What do you call a man attacked by a lion?
Claude
Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on a head and i’ll hang around here.
😀
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrr
*groan 🙂
Bloke walks into a bar and sees Van Gogh sitting on his own, “Fancy a pint Vince?”
“No, I’ve got one ‘ere. ”
@flintaxe 🙂
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
lolxx
Q: Why are all the frogs around here dead?
A: ‘Cause they keep croakin’!
Why did the beach blush?
Because the sea weed!
(always liked that one as a kid)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick