When you want something, you work hard and you achieve it.  That’s the way things are supposed to happen.  And if they don’t happen this way, then you only have your lazy-ass self to blame.

Which is why I’ve been feeling quite cross with myself recently.  You see, over the last few years, I’ve lost a lot of weight – around six stones in total and in that time, I’ve hit plateau after plateau, fell off the wagon repeatedly, and sailed down the scales with the wind behind me when the going’s been good.

weight loss

When you’re very overweight, it can take a long time to notice that you’re even losing the excess baggage.  In my experience, it’s only when I get to the level where I can see the effects of developing muscle tone that I start to feel properly trim… I also put myself under a lot of pressure, and it’s frightening how quickly I shift my goalposts of what is an “acceptable” weight/fitness level.  I can definitely appreciate how people get sucked into the “just one more stone” weight loss mentality.

But my problem is, I’m on my way back up the scales.  Not just a glitch… I didn’t fall headfirst into a plate of roast potatoes too many times last month.  I’m simply creeping steadily back to my tunic tops and over-sized jumpers.  My fitness levels have also plummeted… earlier in the Summer, climbing the stairs to my front door felt like nothing, literally.  Not any more!

Weight Watchers was great for me, and I’ve just signed on again last weekend… but the disruption after moving house in the Summer completely shifted my mindset from “eating well”, to “eating cheaply” and although I’m certain those two things aren’t mutually exclusive – it feels like I have to work a lot harder to create inexpensive, filling, and healthy meals for the family.  This is part of it… the other part is that the area we’ve moved to, isn’t really the kind of place I feel safe to be running around in, at least, not after dark.  Throw in the plummeting temperature, the fact that all my “skinny girl” clothes aren’t fitting me, and I’m in a huge motivational slump.

This sounds like a massive pity party, it honestly isn’t.  It’s an admission to myself.

weight loss

I haven’t admitted to myself that I’m unhappy with the way things are heading again.  Sure, I’ve moaned about my clothes being tighter, done the whole “boo, I’m getting fat again!” thing (three times a day), but truly admitting that the current situation is having a massive effect on my daily mood?  No.  Because I don’t like admitting that I am so defined by this issue.  I want to be defined by the way I treat my family, how good I am (or not) at my job, hobbies, and passions… even just my smile.  I don’t want this to have such a huge impact on who I am and how I feel about everything.

But it does, and I’m admitting that here and now.  Because, you know what?

It’s ok.

My weight, and more specifically, the way I deal with food, is not a problem that’s going to disappear when the scales magically hit the 10 stone mark, I have issues with food and exercise that are so entwined around my 31-years of existence that I can’t possibly expect them to evaporate.  Certainly not overnight, and possibly not ever.  My current issue isn’t even really about my increasing weight, it’s the anger I’m feeling at my apathy toward challenging myself again and my attempts at pretending I’m ok with it.  When I’m not.

I will not deal with unhappiness by suppressing it, any fool could tell you that won’t end well.

But in the meantime, does anyone have any practical tips (think: rocket up bum) for digging oneself out of a hole of imagined indifference?  Hard work I can do (when I put my mind to it) but this is like fucking treacle.

How entwined is your current emotional well-being with your current physical shape?


57 Responses to “Weight loss: If we want it as much as we think we do, shouldn’t it be easy?”

  1. Brandi Stagg says:

    I am right there with you! I hit 40 this year and it seems no matter what I do I creep up the scale instead of down. I have the exercise going, but the ability to cook myself perfectly portioned healthy food is almost impossible with three picky kids and a husband who loves meat and potatoes with every meal. Let me know if you come up with any tweaks that start working for you! xx

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    • Hi Brandi, portion control has always been my problem too, I’m not a binger (unless I’m on a day off a restricted diet *blush*) and have always eaten generally healthily with a wide variety of foods. But my plate is just too full for my needs, simple. It is hard when you’re having to feed other people because not only do you want to make them happy, you also need to set them a good example when it comes to how YOU treat food

      I will say that my husband has grown to (almost) enjoy salad – particularly when he can put some cheese on it! – and I never feel any guilt about pairing a giant salad with something naughty but yummy like a juicy steak (cooked the “healthiest” way possible of course!). But that’s when things start getting really expensive!

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  2. Charlie says:

    I feel much the same as you. My weight loss wasn’t so great, two stone, but I’ve put it all back on plus a few spare pounds in addition… I’m so cross at myself. Like you, we’ve recently moved house, which isn’t the reason for the weight gain…but it is the reason I can’t afford fees from a slimming club right now…I hate the way I look and I hate the way I feel and urgh. I don’t know how to sort myself out… my issues with food, like you, are so complex and ingrained I don’t know how to fix it really… all I can say is I hope someone here has some great advice for you that I can also steal! Good luck. x

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    • It’s all relative C, you weren’t 19 stone to begin with and it’s the last 3 stones I’ve lost that have been the hardest – so a greater number definitely doesn’t equal a greater achievement. It’s very cruel really to punish a “dieter” (so much negative connotation around the word but a spade is a spade) by making it a hundred times harder the closer they get to their goal!

      Have you looked at the online prices? I can’t afford a weekly group but the Weight Watchers online thing is currently doing a deal again (hence why I signed up now). I think mine was through Top Cashback. Anyway, worth a look.

      As for the money factor, I’m such a control freak and I really got into the zone when it came to controlling (obsessing over?) my meal plans prior to moving house but with Mr. L getting paid yearly instead of monthly, it means that we’ve had to be more strict than perhaps necessary with ourselves just to ensure there’s enough in the bank to tide us over until this year’s money goes in… which is why I shifted my control (obsessing) to eating as cheaply as possible without consuming only yellow foods. I mean: grilled belly pork, beef shin casseroles, homemade bread and muffins, meatballs and ragu…. they’re better than living off of frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets – but for someone like me, eating those things everyday… of course I’m gonna start seeing the reflection on the scales.

      How did you lose the weight before?

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  3. Fergie says:

    I like the motto ‘If nothing changes, nothing changes’. You maybe need a new challenge or exercise programme. Focus on WHAT you’re eating or try and get stronger rather than fitter. Strong is the new skinny so they say!

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    • I love that. You know, I keep thinking about running… I’ve been having a bit of insomnia recently (which I’m sure doesn’t help my daily mood!) and all I do is lie there thinking mental things like planning running routes in the area and deciding that I’m gonna get up before Leila and go for a run (when no-one can see me!).

      LIKE THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN ONCE THE DAWN BREAKS.

      I don’t even like getting up AFTER Leila! It’s the classic case of the good intentions disappearing with the morning dew. But by God, my intentions are pure in the middle of the night :D

      I think it’s quite hard for someone who’s body has never known FIT or STRONG to aspire to something like that. I know that since I achieved a mild level of fitness for the first time in my life, it’s something that I hugely miss – perhaps even more than fitting into those size 12 trousers and I agree that it’s a much healthier way to approach the idea of losing weight.

      If nothing changes, nothing changes. *repeats over and over*

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  4. Jess says:

    I’m twenty now, and between the ages of about 14 and 18 I was a bit overweight – size 16 at 5’10, which isn’t actually that big, but it wasn’t great for my confidence, especially surrounded by all my gazelle-slender peers at school. On account of my height, I mainly just felt huge. Now I’m down to a size 8 after a couple of years of vegetarianism, regular exercise and gradually educating myself about nutrition, and even though I’m in maintenance, my issues with food and self-image are definitely still a big part of my life. I’d recommend videos, either Youtube or fitness DVDs, for sneaking in a good workout. You need so little floorspace (I do them in my tiny cupboard at uni) and you can do them at any time of day. Like I mentioned, I’m a student, so my budget for food is pretty weeny. I don’t eat meat and fill up on tons and tons of veggies, which are cheap as, really. If you eat loads of vegetables and cut out white carbs and anything that makes you feel bloated you learn the difference between feeling full and just feeling like your stomach’s stretched and bloated, which for me was a big key. In terms of motivation, I’d really recommend Jillian Michaels’ podcast (she doesn’t do the mean persona on that, she’s actually hilarious and I feel like the best way to stay on track with weight loss is to be really, really educated about exactly what each form of exercise is doing, and what each nutritional group is doing, so when you fall off the wagon you have the tools to pragmatically work out what you need to do to get on again without getting into a cycle of feeling like a failure.

    Sorry for the ramble, hope this helps somewhat :)

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    • Hi Jess,

      I do like exercise videos and have never sweated so much in my LIFE as when I did the 30 day shred… I say “did”, I managed 4 days before finding an excuse not to do it. I’m sure the excuse felt quite valid at the time but the problem was, I didn’t pick it up again the next day, or the next, or the next. Which then you basically feel shit about and go and eat Mars Bar instead to cheer yourself up.

      I would actually be completely miserable if I werent’ eating meat. I tried vegetarianism for a while, nearly ate next door’s cat in desparation. I’m being flippant, sorry – you sound really well motivated and thank you for the tips!

      I know that I’m a carb addict (and that my PCOS means I don’t process sugars as effectively as others) but after starving my body for almost a year on the Cambridge Diet, I am completely adamant that I want to find the solution whilst eating anything and everything I want (food group wise). What I need to do is take control of my food gremlins, the ones who have a tendency to snatch things off everyone else’s plates and go back for seconds.

      More importantly than anything, I want that switch to go off in my brain… the one that motivates me to love challenging my body with exercise. I either want to find it, or I want all the skinny bitches out there to stop lying about this switch and admit that they don’t “love” running and that they too, cry, whilst pulling on their trainers and even whilst they’re 3/4 through the run.

      Then I might feel better about pushing through. Though maybe not :D

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  5. God me too. Struggling with 7 day weeks and osteo and rheumatoid arthritis and the pain of both whilst being horribly aware that in the short term any exercise I do will immediately help with the pain and longer term weight loss would mean an all round lessening of the symptoms AND still I’m doing nothing and living off carbs. Don’t know about rocket up bum, perhaps gun held to head would get me moving?!

    I was once bemoaning my huge arse whilst eating a Twirl to a colleague who was staggering past me carrying boxes we were supposed to be moving and in her anger she snapped “perhaps if you moved more and ate less it would help”. Weirdly it was something of an epiphany for me and I lost a couple of stone bearing that in mind! And just in case you think she’s a complete cow she’s not, she’s totally lovely but was sick to death of listening to me whinge whilst stuffing my face and just had the balls to say what others were thinking!

    Maybe we should fire up the Twitter self help thing again – it did it with HelenJNT and a couple of others this time last year and it was very motivational, although they were all way better than me. Maybe “tweet what you eat” and we can shame ourselves into a healthier lifestyle??!

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    • Hi D, I’m totally up for a Twitter tribe! I know, Helen has done so well! I look at her photos, read about her weigh-ins and I’m half filled with total admiration and half seething jealousy ‘cos I WANT TO DO THAT!

      I think maybe a group exercise plan would help? Not stating which exercise, just a pledge to do a certain amount of exercise on certain days with a weekly weigh in? I’m gonna have a proper think about this tomorrow!

      You friend made me laugh so hard, what a diamond. It’s crazy isn’t it? I’m not a stupid person yet I have so much capacity for utter stupidity. Self pity too…. and god, I fucking hate self pity!

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  6. Jules says:

    I used to weigh just under 8 stone; now I’m 11-ish stone, and I’m also 35 now as opposed to 20. Last week I promised myself that whatever else I do, I will never, ever diet ever again. Focusing on restricting food intake is bad for my heart, bad for my self-esteem, and bad for my relationships with other people. So I don’t weigh 8 stone now – at 5’8″, I never should have! I looked like I’d been exhumed; ghastly thin. I like to walk, though I hesitate to take up heavy exercise because I have a heart condition, and have started pilates for flexibility because I can see 40 from here. From here on out, being active and feeling good are my goals, not a number on a scale or a dress label; as you so wisely point out, the issues don’t stop once the ‘magic’ number is reached – there’s just a new ‘magic’ number.

    My husband thinks I’m lovely, so at least there’s that! ;) I consider myself very fortunate that I can access affordable, nutritious, tasty foods whenever I please, as so many others in the world can’t say the same, and I feel that making eating part of the pleasure of living is the best way to express my gratitude. If you don’t eat you won’t live, so why not find joy in it? I doubt anyone lies on their deathbed congratulating themselves on how little they weighed their whole life, but I’d wager people do wish they could have one more piece of their Nan’s shortbread, one more perfectly ripe peach, or one more curry before they’re off!

    . . .though I will admit that every time one of my extremely thin friends moans about how ‘fat’ she is and how much weight she ‘needs’ to lose, I’m tempted to either drown her in a vat of Nutella or send her to volunteer in a food bank! So much for being peaceful. ;)

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    • What a wonderful attitude you have, I want that one.

      When I’m a bit thinner ;)

      And there’s the problem… I’m sitting here nodding along to what you’re saying, in COMPLETE agreement. You’re talking sense, it doesn’t sound airy-fairy and it’s healthy. So why am I incapable of believing that I too, can have that attitude about food and diet whilst I’m at this stage of “overweightness”.

      Food is pleasure, pleasure is food and unlike smoking or drinking, you need to do it to survive. I LOVE thinking about food, shopping for food, making food and eating food. It doesn’t have to be unhealthy but people do laugh and say they actually see me come “alive” when I’m talking about it. Which always only serves to make me feel so terribly ashamed of myself. If I cut myself off from that, life is miserable and so it should be. You’re so right and I WANT your attitude for when I’m ready to maintain a weight (or I should say “point at which I’m happy with how I look/feel in my skin” to be more specific).

      Or am I wrong? Should I just be YOU now? But I think that without being at least a little restrictive about my food intake, possibly forever… I’d have to run a marathon twice a week just to maintain the status quo.

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      • Jules says:

        I want you to love the things that make you happy! Take your love of food and tell the haters to get stuffed! When they see you come alive talking about food and laugh about it, they’re probably unhappy that they can’t feel the same joy in what is a tired routine chore or daily struggle for so many people.

        I’m surrounded by a lot of very thin friends, so it’s a daily effort to remind myself that not being thin does not make me of less worth than others, no matter what adverts say. My thin friends don’t have better marriages than I do, or fewer worries about their jobs, or happier lives in general – I have what I want out of life, and I don’t need to be a size 0 to enjoy it!

        Tip: This part might be upsetting for some people, as it involves eating disorders -

        I will say that I used to be severely anorexic when I was younger, and what made me start to get better was that I began to notice that the less there was of me, the more notice I got from others. The idea that my worth increased as my weight went down, and that being thin and ‘pretty’ meant more than what I had to offer intellectually or creatively or compassionately, made me absolutely furious. I shouldn’t need to be sick to be worthwhile! That was the day I started eating again – literally forcing food into my own mouth and pinching my lips closed until I swallowed the food – and I haven’t stopped being grateful for that freedom since.

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  7. Oh Charlotte. I very, very nearly rang into work sick today because my trousers were too tight. Honestly. These trousers used to be loose, you see, my “fat day” trousers, and I put them on and they looked all tight round my hips, they looked awful. And I just had a teensy breakdown about it.
    It’s a ridiculous thing, but I am almost a stone and a half heavier than my wedding day last October – admittedly a weight I forced myself down to with 7AM swimming and minimal calories. But I hate it because nothing fits, and when I beat myself up so badly first thing in the morning I’m setting myself up to be unhappy all day.
    Like you I try to think of the more important things. Good mother, good wife, good cat-mommy, good at my job (I didn’t ring in sick! I just went in there with my squidged bum). But I don’t believe any of it unless I’m thin. And I know perfectly well how stupid that is, and how anti-feminist, and that just makes me beat myself up even more.
    You’re not on your own. A horrifying amount of us feel like this. I can usually pick myself up by focussing on health and not weight-loss. I can usually get all excited about vegetables and lentils if I read something like Alicia Silversone’s Kind Diet. But at the moment I can’t make that positivity last and I have a whole list of excuses why. The psychology is too tricky for me so I am happy to lay all the blame at Cadbury’s door. Stoopid Cadbury’s.

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    • And also I’ll just say, your weight loss is amazing. It’s bloody hard losing weight. It’s horrible. You’ve done amazingly well. Ten steps forwards and one backwards is still nine steps forwards. I’m sorry that you are unhappy at the moment, but you really have done such a good job. Good luck Charlotte!

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    • For that first sentence… I cannot express how much I love you. Not only because it made me roar with laughter but because I fucking felt that. I nearly went to see the fireworks tonight without a coat on because it doesn’t do up. Doesn’t matter that I can wear it undone over a jumper, the fact that I can’t do it up without risking taking someone’s eye out with an errant flying button means that I SHOULD PUNISH MYSELF BY FREEZING TO DEATH.

      Mr. L told me that unless I wore my coat (done up or undone, he didn’t give a shit apparently) we weren’t going.

      I wore my coat.

      I’m living in leggings and refuse to buy a size 18 again so I’ve either GOT to do something about it soon, or never leave the house. Something I’m also fairly capable of, which is why I need this fucking kick up the arse.

      I have a friend who goes swimming everyday before work but I view that notion with the same feeling I view anyone who does significant exercise before 9am. Hatred. But then, I’m a nightowl… always have been, I used to sneak to the 24-hr gym once I’d gotten L to sleep as a baby, post 11pm most nights. Which I’m sure, is equally abhorrent to the larks of the world.

      It is horribly anti-feminist isn’t it? I like conforming to society’s views of how a “woman” should look. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and a little bit sexy. Which basically = confidence. And when I’m confident, dang I’m a cheerful little soul.

      Proud of you for going to work by the way, mean that.

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      • Thank you for the taking the time to reply so thoroughly to me and to everyone else. It must have take you ages! I’m glad some of these cheered you up though! So I did an hour of yoga and ate some skinny soup and the next day (today!) my trousers felt okay-ish. So I went to work very smug, ate some toast, felt guilty, panicked, and didn’t eat anything else. Felt hungry and sad all day. Quite clearly a total fucking idiot.
        I need that twitter support network thing. Badly.

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  8. Sophie says:

    Oh gosh, you always have a funny way of writing these posts just as I’ve been thinking about the same thing! I suffered quite s badly from an eating disorder from about the ages of 13-18, more triggered by OCD and severe control issues than any particular body hatred (I was never overweight as a child, slightly chubby at best). When I went on the pill when I turned 18, I put three stone on in about a year because I was constantly, desperately hungry. I now weigh about 11 and a half stone, which is a perfectly average weight for my height, but I hate the way I look. Only trouble is, I’ve lost all motivation for losing weight, I can’t afford the gym (and like you, the area I live in is not the kind of place I’d want to be jogging in after dark) and, thanks to the years of starving myself, my metabolism is approximately that of an elephant and it takes me forever to lose any weight.

    Most of the time I feel okay about it now, but there are always times (I’m having one at the moment) where I get wobbly again – I’ve noticed in the past week or so, being stressed out about unemployment and stuff, and all of a sudden I’ve started restricting my food again. It’s so sad that we spend so much of our lives obsessing over this kind of thing, but at the same time it’s pointless to just go, “Oh you look fine! Stop worrying about it!” because it’s not that easy, you can’t just switch off the way you feel.

    Not sure where I was going with this comment, sorry… Er, right, motivation. Have you tried one of those calorie tracking iPhone/Android apps? I use MyFitnessPal on my iPhone (well, I used to but it made me a bit obsessive so I’ve put a stop to it) but it’s a great way of tracking how much you eat, how much you’ve lost etc and you can put your exercise in and it calculates all your calorie/fat/vitamin levels and everything, it’s very useful and because it’s on your phone it’s quite easy to get into the habit of adding something as soon as you eat it.

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    • I hear you, restricting myself to 600 calories a day for a year has screwed my metabolism big style. But perversely, I don’t really regret doing it because I’m not sure I would have gotten to where I am now without it.

      It’s definitely more to do with control issues… self-control, than a number on a scale. As you prove, you can have these issues regardless of what the scales say. I suppose that if we lose control in one area of our lives, we look to regain it in another.

      I didn’t like myfitnesspal because it makes you count the calories of veggies and stuff so ended up eating less of those and more “bad” foods. I mean, why bother eating a huge plate of salad if it costs you as much in your daily allowance as a couple of biscuits?

      That’s why I like weight watchers which tells you gorge on the good stuff (and I still lose weight doing so). It just makes me happier and more likely to conform in the long term.

      Don’t laugh at me though. On my iPhone right now…. I’ve got: MyFitnessPal, the Weight Watchers app, Withings, Run Keeper, Fitbit… what else… two “fake” Weight Watchers point-counting apps… seriously, it’s like I think that just having these apps installed is going to take inches from my thighs. Retard.

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  9. Fiamma says:

    Oh, I’m really sorry to hear that and I haven’t a recipe against that. I have reached my maximum weight ever and I’m very sad about that. I simply cannot stop eating and thinking about food now and I think my metabolism is completly over at the moment. The only thing I can say is that there’s no point in ignoring the situation or in saying bad things to yourself because you’re not doing your best. maybe the right thing for you now is just stop gaining weight and rest in this situation for a while: well, I don’t know if it’s possible for you, but sometimes we just have to rest, to relax and to keep our energies tring not to be strict with ourselves. I hope this helps.

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    • Thanks Fiamma, the other way to look at your situation is that the only direction from where you are now is to go DOWN the scales. I definitely agree that a sustained period in “maintenance” (staying the same weight) is really useful in understanding what your body needs to consume/expend in order to be “happy”.

      I was overjoyed when I got my body back in balance after a very restrictive diet and just maintaining was making me happy but it’s the maintenance I’ve left behind now. I WANT IT BACK!

      Good luck Fiamma, thank you so much for your comment x

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  10. Tali says:

    Its not just you. My issue is not weightloss but trying to eat healthily. I dont drive or have a car and i live next to no supermarkets just a few mini shops (like saindbry’s local that sells lunch time sandwitches and thats pretty much it) I cant seem to get the motivation to make/find the time to go elsewhere. I just reach for the cheap convenience food like mac n’cheese and ill even have a pack of hobnobs and tea as a meal. Its also depressing to cook for one (Gizmo doesnt count as company) And i know my health is suffering and I feel bad for it… But i cant seem to break the pattern. A kick in the arse wont work i think it wil take someone physically dragging me out of bed in my free time and to the market.

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    • You’re good with exercise aren’t you Tali?

      Do you “like” food? I don’t mean that rudely because you’re so bloody gorgeous and svelte… I just mean, in terms of having a passion for food as a thing that brings enjoyment? I think my adoration of food (as well as being my downfall) is also what drives me to create all sorts of healthy meals (and then eat too much of them, rendering them fucking unhealthy).

      But I just wonder if you’re one of those people who eat to live, rather than live to eat?

      Other than that, meal plans have really helped force me out of ruts but then I get quite excited about making those too. How about batch cooking and freezing a bunch of healthier meals on a Sunday for the rest of the week?

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      • Tali says:

        I live to eat… Thats the problem!! I am not reasonable at all! Its all about what tastes good (my thing is pasta bakes, pastas, melted cheese, salami…) and nothing about balance and getting those 5 a day. I literally will eat macaroni cheese with a side of cheese toast. today i ate a mini orange and it was the first peice of orange I have had in 2012 (aside from the terrys chocolate orange variety) I Ideally I would like to eat a 70% healthy diet 30%treat but i just have no idea how to get started again.
        As for exercise thats no happening either at the moment. Motivation 0!!!! It must be a rut!!

        Actually meal plan does sound like a good idea. Something I do every 3 days so the shopping loads are easy to carry. Maybe if those ingredients for those planned meals are in the fridge i will actually use them. I hate waste!! Its just hard trying to pretend that I am excited by a grilled chicken salad dinner… :( id rather have my hobnobs!!

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  11. Eva María says:

    I only want to say you that I admire you very much – excuse me for my English – A very big kiss fron Spain. You´re a lovely person, I have problems too with my weight, I know it´s difficult. Better for me is BELIEVE IN ME, love myself, acept myself. If I feel good, I´m strong to do exercise with a smile in my face and eat healthy. Aceptation is no Resignation, It´s open your eyes and say: This is what it is, this is the reality, if you acept it, you can change it. Sorry again for my poor English! A big kiss for all that girls too, you are wonderful, WONDERFUL. Don´t forget it!

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    • You’re very kind Eva!

      You’re so right that accepting a situation is KEY to changing it. Which is sort of what prompted me to write this. I mean, I’m fortunate that I’ve got this “tool” at my disposal where I can launch a pledge of “admission and acceptance” into the ether and get feedback. It makes it very real and ensures I can’t just change my mind about this acceptance next time I’m feeling down. Big kisses to you too! x

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  12. Georgia says:

    I read this post in my blog reader and had to actually double check that it wasn’t MY blog and i’d accidentally posted one of my drafts.
    I have no magic words of advice or encouragement other than I BLOODY HEAR YA. You’re not alone.
    I’ve been on a diet in some way or another for at three quarters of my 27 year existence…and what a miserable existence it has been because of it!
    My relationship with food is totally screwed. If I’m sad – I turn to food for my comfort. If i’m happy – ooh look, let’s celebrate with FOOD! Bored? Let’s eat FOOD.
    I honestly considered some form of therapy or counselling for my issues in the hope that it would help, but I quite frankly feel embarrassed and angry that I can’t just control this myself. And then? I probably binge on some biscuits to negate the anger and so the vicious cycle continues.
    I think what I’m *trying* to say is – if you find the proverbial rocket, please send it my way when you’re done
    xx

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    • I have a few of these drafted at various times over the last few years but after my previous congratulatory post (when I moved from the obese into the overweight BMI) it felt so bloody self-deceiving not to write a “I need a kick up the arse” post when things weren’t going so good. I didn’t mean to write this, I think I came to write something about LRP Cicaplast last night but I just couldn’t get the words out because THIS is all I could think of.

      Then I scheduled it and made Mr. L read it to make sure it wasn’t too pity-partying.

      Anyway, post those drafts as and when needed and fuck it if anyone thinks worse of you for doing so.

      In one of my earlier replies, I pretty much said what you did about the relationship with food. I have been known to CRY (ok, not often but it’s happened) over a disappointing meal. And I did at least take myself somewhere private to do it and then give myself a massive telling off afterwards.

      I guess, for some people, food IS a huge deal and I’m sure it’s to do with how we were brought up… blah, blah, blah…

      Anyway, even if it’s a shit rocket… it’s a rocket, so I presume you’ll be joining in with a Twitter Tribe of completely unmotivated people who might attempt to do some kind of half-hearted increased fitness starting NEXT WEEK? x

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      • Georgia says:

        Well, I’m certainly going to be one of the twitter unmotivated lot, but next week I am going on holiday. Two weeks all inclusive.
        Expect me back plus an extra stone or two and FULL of excuses.
        Can’t wait! x

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  13. Shifa says:

    Cutting quantities with what you’re eating already and the oh so clichéd ‘moderation is key’ idea should surely work to get you started. I always find working out a much better option than cutting down on food as the word ‘diet’ just creeps me out.

    Workout, as much painful as it sounds, is much more motivating and shows better results. On a recent holiday, I got a reality check by a few people as to how I have gradually increased one or two dress sizes in a few years. After coming back from the holiday, the self pity and hogging continued but then all those nasty comments got me back on the trusty treadmill and it’s my 4th week of working out today and I feel absolutely great.

    I know its going to take a good few months for me to get back to my ideal dress size but its much easier to tolerate workout ‘pain’ than telling me to cut down on my croissants. Eat what you like in moderation and work it out by trusty old techniques such as jogging/treadmill and you’ll love yourself for it :)

    I still pant a lot when climbing the stairs or whilst running on the treadmill but that’s nothing to say that you are physically unfit to workout. Just hang on to it with inspirational music and think of it as recreation and some ‘me-time’.

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    • I’m actually ok with the word “diet”. I suppose I don’t just associate it with restriction… maybe because I did Home Ec in school and we always referred to what is now called “lifestyle” (when it comes to food), as “diet”. It doesn’t really have solely negative connotations for me, is what I’m trying to (rambly) say.

      Anyway, yes… as cliched as it IS, moderation is, indeed, key. And that’s what I want. I don’t want to restrict myself from eating 2 slices of toast in the morning with melty butter. I just want to make sure that I don’t THEN go and put peanut butter ontop before returning for a third round. OR if I really fucking have to… then I want to be the kind of person who goes “Oh! Little piggy, you had THREE slices of toast this morning/yesterday – don’t have the pudding/don’t skip your run today” you know? I just want to be sensible. But I’m a lazy little shit.

      Even better is if that could be effortless, as some people make it seem. But I know it’s all about forming habits and having the self-discipline to get to that place. I think I can do it, I want to have faith that I can but when you’re at rock-bottom, it’s hard to believe that you can do anything other than eat another malteaser.

      I think that I’ll always be a foodie. I just want to be a healthy foodie who can counteract it with fitness. I wanna be a STRONG foodie!

      Damn it exercise, how can I love and enjoy you? I want to see the “pain” as a good thing, I want to recognise it as my body responding to the challenge – I want to visualise it as a signal that my body is getting stronger. I don’t mind working hard to get to that point but after 12 weeks of running every other day, I never got that feeling of “freedom” you hear about. I never felt like I loved it until after I’d stopped, and that really gutted me if I’m honest.

      You’re doing so well and responding to negativity in an honest and positive way, keep going missus – I’ll be there too in a minute, just give me a mo to put my trainers on… my stomach is getting in the way of reaching my laces :D

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  14. Dempeaux says:

    My weight has been stable for a few years now, but that’s not to say I haven’t been part of the ‘up hill, down dale’ school of weight loss. The things that have finally liberated me from dieting and worrying about my weight are:

    1. Recognising that weight loss is 80% what you eat and 20% about exercise: Getting the food right is key. It is so much easier to eat food than it is to burn it off.
    2. Getting rid of refined carbs and refined sugar: This was huge for me. I come from a refined-carb-centric family, but as long as I fill up on enough protein, vegetables etc I’m fine. Also, sugar breaks down collagen in the face and leads to skin sag, so you’ll be doing something for your waistline and your skin ;)
    3. Not eating too late at night and watching portion sizes: I usually eat about 2 – 3 hours before I go to bed, and the lightest meal I eat is dinner. Makes a big difference.

    I hope this helps, and amongst all of this don’t forget how far you’ve come. Your weight loss so far is inspirational! :)

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    • Thanks lovely, I really appreciate that. I imagine that it must be a bit of a liberation when you find the balance and the self-discipline to keep things on an even keel. When I gave up smoking, that was bloody liberating so I can only dream that this must be 100x that!

      It does help, thank you xx

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  15. Jasmine says:

    I subscribe but rarely comment … chipping in to this conversation because I relate so much!

    Charlotte, just turn on the music and move in the moment. Give yourself 5 songs to do some punches, squats, lunges, … and do this at every break you take to go to the loo. Energises you more than food can. x

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    • Jasmine says:

      Should have elaborated – regular short bouts of intense activity (think as high an intensity as you can go) helps to lower insulin levels, which PCOS ladies tend to have at problematic levels. With time it builds stamina and resilience of the core muscles, improving circulation and raising metabolism levels. So give it a shot, think of it as your gym-outside-a-gym. The effects are immediate (you feel much better after a go!) and in the long term it does firm you up, plus you feel fitter too. Fidget away every loo break you take. xx

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      • Thanks Jasmine! Is this like tabata-style but not as regimented? Yep, I’m insulin resistant and had gestational DB during pregnancy – blood sugars are always fine in the mornings but shoot up crazy high after a meal unless it’s void of refined carbs. Trying to find the balance between eating healthily for potential blood sugar problems in the future (repeat: “I don’t want to be diabetic” ad infinitum) and current happiness! Thanks x

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        • Jasmine says:

          Yep, similar to tabata or any HIIT. The thing about most literature on HIIT is that it’s quite focused on heavy training, when most ladies that aren’t serious athletes can see some results from pressing their bodies to go to the max doing any form of intense activity (jumping squats, skipping, even kicks and mixed moves).

          Re your insulin levels and blood sugar level, have you tried incorporating more liquid into your foods (not separate drinks)? Watery foods like broths and stews really help to lower the concentration of sugars being absorbed.

          Bitter foods also lower blood sugar (bitter melon, tannic black teas) and while not being tasty, are all about the nutrition and aroma. Guava fruits are also good for blunting blood sugar spikes – specifically the Thai green ones that are spongy and not too ripe and sugary.

          I really feel you when it comes to the fear of potential blood sugar levels – my maternal side does have a history of diabetes and kidney problems, we’ve been extra careful on the diet front all our lives! xx

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  16. NeenaJ says:

    Sign me up for the Twitter shame-a-thon – I mean support network, LOL! At 5’2″ and 145 pounds (sorry, American here), I can certainly stand to get some motivation. What’s worse, I just came back from a 2 week holiday visiting my BF in Germany where all we did was eat meat, gravy and carbs. I was so desperate for a vegetable, I was eating garnish off the plates!

    My mindset is perfect for a diet right now but, like so many others, I struggle with working out. I belong to a gym but I haven’t set foot in there since before I was pregnant (my son is about to turn 3). Let the shaming commence!

    I’ve thought about buying a treadmill for the house but think it will turn into a clotheshorse in due time. Does having equipment in-home work for anybody? Just curious. Never had a runner’s high and have certainly never seen anyone running look remotely happy whilst doing it – no matter what their size. I thoroughly enjoyed Jazzercise when I did it some years ago but, with a toddler and a husband who works late, group fitness seems out of the question. Like many of you, I struggle with spending time with my family / job / self.

    Charlotte, I’ve seen your transition from the blogosphere and it is beyond inspiring. With each food choice comes a clean slate. I find that it’s so easy to make one bad choice after another. Had ice cream for breakfast, might as well eat that bag of chips for lunch, then. But, the truth is that with every choice we’re presented with comes an opportunity for redemption and self-love instead of punishment. That’s what I’m trying to focus on.

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    • Hi Neena,

      That’s great that you’re in the right frame of mind right now, let’s go for it! I have had a veritable gym of various pieces of equipment and if the proof is in the pudding, then no, it hasn’t helped me – although to be fair, my equipment was stuck in a freezing cold conservatory… which didn’t exactly fill me with excitement at the thought of going out there to simultaneously freeze and exercise. That’s really kind of you Neena, I’d quite like to keep these new collarbones, the novelty hasn’t worn off yet! Your ethos is perfect… I shall try to adopt! Shout me on Twitter xx

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  17. Leah says:

    I am by no means a weight loss maven, because frankly, I’m shit at it. I was a fat baby, a fat child, a fat teen and have been fat my whole life apart from a brief spell when I was 17 where I lived on carrots and satsumas. However, I recently had an epiphany to do with motivation and will power. I realised that far from having a missing will power gene, I just didn’t realise motivation was something which has to be gently worked at every day. I’d just assumed motivation, or willpower, were things other people just had and I just didn’t, like I had some kind of flaw.

    I got a notepad, called it my motivation diary and 3-4 times a week, before I go to bed I write down a few things I want to do the next day. Yoga features heavily in my aims. Before, it was a chore. Now, because I want/aim to do it, the mental drudgery of ‘Oh, I’ve gotta exercise, woe is me!’ has totally vanished. I eat healthily, but I overeat, so I’m still fat. Panic sets in when I worry about being hungry, which is ridiculous because the destitute and (literally) starving days of my childhood are over 20 years in the past.

    I will struggle with my weight and self-image until the day I die, although I do believe it IS possible to be healthy (verified so by a doctor) and be overweight. There are slim people with awful eating habits who never exercise and there are fat people who eat virtuously and exercise regularly yet are judged as lazy and unhealthy because of how they look. There needs to be that distinction. For me, there’s quite some distance to go before I’m happy with how I look physically, but I know the small changes I’m making with eating and exercise are working towards making me healthier and yes, slimmer. Having said that, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I wouldn’t be happier and more confident if I lost a few stones. I just would, but I am aiming for health and longevity as well as weight loss. I try to love myself whatever my body looks like because that’s really important. Life’s too short to spend it self-loathing.

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    • I’m getting me a motivation diary. I do usually have TO DO lists in little wordpad documents all over my desktop on the computer… but they’re as disorganised as I am. The idea of a single place to house them is appealing.

      Wonderful, wonderful lady, your words are like a tonic. THank you x

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  18. I am going through a bad patch at the moment. I’ve just lost a friend. It might not be the best time to comment on your post but I just couldn’t sit there without leaving a comment. If we want it so bad, why can’t we achieve it? Because of 2 things: Temptations and Appetite. My whole life (this is because I live on my own and I have nothing else to focus on) is devoted to control those two things which seems to rule my life.

    1) Temptations. I know our situations are very different. I live on my own and you live with a family where you need to cook and there is a child and a husband who needs biscuits, cookies and what not. But maybe you could choose one thing only which could ban from existing in your house. If it’s not there you won’t eat it. If I allowed myself to buy bread for example, I’d be a half ton woman, seriously, as I can’t sleep in a house, where I know bread remains to be eaten. I am not saying stop eating toast (if this is your little sin for example) altogether, I am just saying just ban one single thing only from existing in your house. If you want it, you can still go to the shop, eat it, and it’s done

    2) Appetite. Portion control: easier to say than done. How do you go from a week when you were on full on binge, ranging an average of 2500 calories a day to a mere 1200 calories a day? You can’t. It’s impossible. The body can’t do that. You’re going to hate me for this, but perhaps, you might wish to go to cambridge just for a week to be in control of a ‘normal’ appetite again and then go to your weight watchers or favourite diet.

    What I do to control my appetite is to not eat in between my meals: I have breakfast, lunch, dinner and no snack whatsoever. If I am hungry, then I have a decaf coffee or something like that. If I didn’t abide to that, I’d be constantly eating, my appetite would go off the wall, and I’d be even more hungry. It’s difficult at first, but your stomach will get used to not being fed constantly and feel quite happy to just have food every 4-5 hours. Some people think it’s healthy to eat small portions of food often during the day. For me it’s healthy to try to maintain a ‘normal’ appetite. I remember the days when I would put 150g of dried pasta to cook and still feel hungry 2 hours afterwards, where on the packet they recommend you to boil just 75g of pasta for one person.

    Maybe you’re doing too much at the moment, maybe you’re trying too hard on yourself when you are trying to achieve too many things at the same time: get used to the new flat, eat what is considered healthy, tone+serum+moisturise+primer+foundation every day (making things up here), drinking 4 litres of green tea a day, save money, exercise. Again you’re going to hate me for saying this, but maybe one thing has got to give and it’s the money thing. I can’t last one week on any diet if I am trying to be good with money as well. No way. Nah uh.

    How about doing the cambridge diet again for a week (to tame the appetite) just a week and follow it up with the alternate day diet? It has observed that, on average, people who do the alternate day diet (book on amazon, about £10 I think) they eat an average of 1200 calories a day in the end, and they end up losing weight.

    Other things which work for me:
    - not buying any clothes until the old ones fit me again. This resulted in me wearing the same pair of trousers every day at work for over 6 months. By the end of it, you’re so sick of it, you just have to lose the thighs. Throw some ‘fat’ clothes away, and just keep enough to survive (2 for work, 1 for evening do, 1 for bloggers’ event during the day, 1 for funerals)
    - Never go to supermarket with an empty stomach
    - Never wait till you’re too hungry to eat cos otherwise you just cannot fill up the bottomless stomach and you feel like you’re possessed by hunger
    - When it’s someone’s bday at work, you can have that piece of chocolate cake but have it later as part of your meal
    - Turn down food invitations or arrive there when people are about to settle the bill and go for desserts. You can still have a hot drink or something and a be a little sociable (well, in appearance)
    - Plan a binge every week. For me it’s best to plan it for Friday nights. If I plan it on saturday, all week end I’d be eating crap
    - Sod what they say about metabolism, don’t force yourself eating breakfast. If you wake up at 10am, why waste calories on weetabix? Just wait 12 or 1pm, and have the lunch you want. I don’t know about you, but as soon as I start eating in the morning, it triggers something in my body, whereby I need to be fed every 4/5 hours
    - Food eaten too late at night end up stocking in fat. If i go to bed, let’s say at midnight, I try not to eat after 8pm. Four hours to burn these calories should be enough, no? I always stick to that rule, unless I’ve been going out, cos greasy food help with the hangover the following day.

    You’ve all my respect to have lost so much weight being part of a family. I just couldn’t do it, I just don’t have the self control. All the best xx Still need to buy trainers to restart the 30-day shred :/ I only coped 2 or 3 days on it.

    My current emotional well-being is always ALWAYS linked with my current physical shape. Isn’t that sad :/ xx

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    • Hello lovely,

      I’m gonna have a go at addressing yours points one at a time. Thanks so much for your comment xx

      1. I think cutting things out of my diet completely, whether it’s carbs or fats or any specific food is not sustainable in the long run and it makes me want them all the more. Of course, for someone like me who gains a stone just by looking at a plate of nachos, there are certain things that I should definitely not be putting on my weekly shopping list and I’ll be totally honest and say that I have FAR too many chocolate bars stockpiled in the cupboard which were supposed to be for Christmas. I don’t NEED to keep “proper” chocolate bars in the house. Damn you multipacks! I won’t ban chocolate outright because it’s not fair on the rest of the family and I know I can have something like CurlyWurlys or Caramel Wafers around without feeling the need to gorge myself on them bizarelly enough.

      2. See that’s where we differ I think, I’m not a binger… but I’ve grown up eating a big dinner, every night, too late in the evening and not done enough exercise, definitely a lifestyle. I wouldn’t expect that my daily calorie intake goes much more than 300calories OVER what I should be having a day. But if you add that up over the course of a week or a month, it’s easy to see how and why I’ve ended up having to lose so much. You’re the opposite… you literally half starve yourself and then stuff your face. What’s frightening is how quickly the “calories” add up when you’re eating the wrong things. If some of my pleasures in life come from feeling “full” and enjoying meals with my friends/family then the common sense thing is to change what you eat, which is something that weight watchers forces me to do so that I’m within my points “limit” at the end of the day whilst not being starving hungry at bed time.

      FYI, If I ate 150g pasta, I’d be hungry 2hrs later too… it’s a terrible food for keeping you feeling satisfied over any period of time.

      I’m not doing too much, I’m just in need of this kick up the arse I talked about, I think this thread has shamed me a little bit into stopping feeling sorry for myself because I’m sitting here knowing what I need to do… and I don’t just mean in an abstract way. I mean, I know exactly what I need to do to stop gaining the weight, so I have been such a total pillock for pretending that I don’t.

      Some of your tips are great, especially not going to the supermarket when you’re hungry. I’d throw premenstrual in there too! I come back with some right weird food when I’m PMTing! (fried onions on jacket potatoes mixed with cream cheese anyone?!). Love you chick x

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  19. Omg. loved your reply. Loved reading your point of view on my eating/dieting habits. OMG, you’re right. I am a binger, I never properly realised that, and you’re right, I kind of half starve myself in a way.

    Regarding PMTing, I was totally in shock one day. I don’t think I have PMT (I am moody, emotional and hungry all the time, ha) but there was this one time, in August, when I was in full Cambridge mode and at the peak of my ketosis, that suddenly hunger possessed me, even though I was in ketosis. Charlotte, to say that I was confused doesn’t even begin to describe it. It felt as if the two cancelled each other out and I felt so powerless to see appetite coming back with such virulence. It was a few minutes before midnight, and mentally, I was going to put my coat on to go to mac donalds and just ruin my diet. Then I stumbled on some forum where someone had described the same symptoms. I was in peace, had a glass of hot milk and just didn’t want to give in just because of the blooming pixies decided to. If I am going to binge, it’s because I want to, not because someone forced me to, if you know what I mean. But I was furious at the same time. At no point my consultant told me it could happen, I felt so vulnerable. they never bloody told me that!!!

    I’ve said it before and I’d say it again. Give me £1 million pounds or the ability to eat what I want without it having some impact on my health and weight again, I’d choose the latter, hands down. In fact, i think it would cure me and cure my food obsession. Oh naughty food, why must you be so tasty. And why can’t I get hooked on exercise?
    *steals your fried onions* YUM! x

    xx

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  20. Janie says:

    Unfortunately some of us just love food.
    I am extremely fortunate to be as thin as I am with the obsession I have with it, and despite my BMI being 19-20 my relationship with food and my weight is pretty unhealthy.

    I am always thinking of my next meal, and every day send an email to my fiance pondering what’s for my dinner so I can get my greedy trotters on it.

    I just literally do not buy anything bad. It’s the only thing that has helped me maintain my weight.
    Cheese, steak and chocolate are my ultimate favourite foods oh and I am very partial to kids’ sweets!

    Boredom is usually a reason why I eat too, so if I am alone in the house for whatever reason I can scoff my way though 6 kit kats or 5 bags of crisps before I have even realised what I have done.

    The routine I now have is to have around 1500-1600 cals a day (I’m 5ft 10) during the week and then eat pretty much what I want at weekends. I’m managing to maintain my weight on this basis, but it does mean daily weighing, which has created a slight weight obsession!

    Good Luck Charlotte,I am sure you will find something that works for you soon, and don’t be too disheartened- what you have achieved so far is incredible.

    xxx

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  21. Gill says:

    Hi

    I am not going to blind you with words but as someone who has lost 6st 10 since January (and still has a loooong way to go) I know how you feel. I go to slimming world but whenever I just can’t be bothered (like now when I am dodging the dreaded 45min stint on the cross trainer)I remember how much I like buying smaller clothes, remember the lovely comments I have had on my weight loss and why I am doing this:

    1) Just for me as I dont like the way I look
    2) To set an example to my children and hopefully live a bit longer and enjoy them growing up healthy and happy.

    It dosn’t boil down to much more than that other than I have worked so hard to get where I am I will be damned if I have to do it all again.

    Best of luck with it Charlotte…you CAN do it x

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  22. Cat says:

    Oh man, I am the laziest, most unmotivated person ever. ‘Weightloss apathy’ certainly strikes a nerve!

    I’m now down 8kgs but have slacked off again after a big holiday (but managed to keep it off by some miracle!). What I’m going to go back to, and what has worked for me:

    - My Fitness Pal. Logging HONESTLY every day (so if I’ve gone over I don’t often want to go over even more) and reading the forums for motivation (be warned, there’s lots of rubbish on their too). And unlike WW it’s free and gives you your food goals in cals/kjs instead of their ‘points’ faf.
    - Couch to 5k. I went from not being able to run for 60 seconds to running 20mins straight in about 5 weeks. I use the treadmill version which is less scary and easier to follow. Going to start it over again and get myself up to the 5k! Goal time! :D
    - Not taking shit from doctors. If I’d have heard ‘You’re probably experiencing X health problem because you’re overweight’ one more time from a doctor I was at risk of pummeling them to death with their stethoscope! Had enough, had some (polite) strong words with one, and what do you know? I need to take about x10 more asthma meds than they were previously giving me. Dont let the crappy NHS doctors ignore other factors just because you carry a couple of extra kgs!

    Hope some of that is useful – best of luck! :)

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  23. corallista says:

    I rarely comment but weight issues are so close to my heart, I couldn’t resist.

    I’ve struggled with weight since my teens. When I entered college, I was at my peak weight but lost some due to the lifestyle changes, moving away from home etc. 2 years into college, I decided to consult a nutritionist and over the course of 1 year with her, lost about 10 kgs and I looked and felt great. I’d never been that fit or attractive in my entire life and it was such a heady feeling. More than that, I learnt about healthy eating for the first time and my energy levels were so much better than they used to be. Then about a year back, with high stress levels and time crunch, my exercise and dietary habits started slipping and I piled on around 18 kgs in a year. I knew I was putting on weight but didn’t realize HOW much and it was a huge shock when I weighed myself. I joined a gym and started on the same diet I had started on with my nutritionist earlier(this time by myself) and about 3 months down the line, I’ve lost a few kgs and plenty of inches, I’m beginning to feel good about my body again!

    I have just completed Level 1 of Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred and I have to credit my recent inch loss to that! I took about 15 days to do the 10 days of Level 1 but my body is feeling a little toned already. I’m still a long way from fitting into the clothes I used to wear till a year back but I feel motivated with my current exercise routine. I don’t like exercising and I love food but I’ve been keeping good control over my diet. The best thing about the 30 day shred is that the workout is just 20 minutes long and somehow I am able to work out along with the DVD – it feels much easier than doing something by yourself.

    I also started blogging about my weight loss journey every weekend on my beauty blog and that motivates me a lot. Since I’m sharing my progress every week with my readers, I am able to keep to my diet and exercise just to be able to share something positive every weekend! I think sharing your weight loss issues with a friend or with a group of people is a very good idea, it keeps you on your toes. If its someone who is going through the same thing or has gone through it before, its even better!

    I understand how difficult it must be for you to watch your diet in a family. I stay by myself but when I come to my parents house, my diet gets disturbed and my self control flies out of the window.

    Just start with the 30 Day Shred (or any other workout) again and will yourself to go along with the DVD. Coming from someone who does not like to exercise, its the easiest way! The workout itself is not easy but getting around to doing it is easy. I can’t wake up early so I generally do it late in the night or evening. Sometimes when I feel like it I do it in the afternoon only. I think I’ll stick to Home workouts from now on since they seem to be working best for me!

    Good luck Charlotte, you know you have a dedicated audience here. When you need a little push, you can always count on us!

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  24. Late to the party (as ever) but god if only you knew how many times I wished I’d had a problem with booze or fags because with those, you just have to find the willpower not to have them, you don’t have to ‘let the tiger out of the cage’ three times a day. It’s awful to write that down because who would ever wish to have some sort of drug issue?

    I’m on a plateau. Have been for a while. Gym membership is ticking over and yet I keep making excuses not to go such as it’s too cold or I’m on call or I can’t find my trainers (I know they’re under my bed, I just can’t be arsed to fish them out!!)

    I think my problem is also that lovely friends keep saying to me that I need to think about how far I’ve come and how amazing it is and how amazing I look (of course I don’t agree with them but that’s a whole other story) which makes it much easier to stagnate where I am, even though I’m not happy, because all around me people are singing my weight loss praises.

    I fecking loathe running. I currently can’t run for a bus and when I started doing the couch to 5 k (in my eyes couch to run for a bus!) it was making me vomit or giving me the trots – clearly running and I are not good bedfellows.

    HOWEVER Lovely Mrs Lipglossiping. I have sent you a DM on Twitter *does evil laugh* I shall not mention it here in case you wish to have me locked up but would be interested to hear your reaction…..

    *can probably hear the shrieking from here*

    xxxxx
    ps) Pret and shop SOOOOOOOOOOOON xx

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  25. Ryou says:

    I’ve always been a plus size (size 16) as far as I remember. To be honest, I don’t see a lot of point in losing weight. I know full well that a slice of cake is less likely to kill me than a cigarette, and If I had to choose my vice, I’d rather choose one that actually gives me pleasure AND doesn’t poison anyone around me along with myself. I personally would rather die young from all the roasted potatoes than living to 90 but eating nothing but birdseeds. (Although as my medical records indicate, aside from genetic-induced anemia, I’m actually healthier than most — Fat doesn’t always mean diabetes)

    It’s always other people who pressure me into losing weight, not myself. This may sound like a bunch of excuses, but I don’t really want to end up not enjoying my life only because other people think that being uglier than society’s standard means I have no rights to enjoy life. I just refuse to change myself solely to satisfy someone else’s ideal, I guess.

    Bear in mind that this is MY choice, not one that everyone needs to agree on. I merely ask that people respect the choices I make in MY life, and I will gladly do the same to them, regardless of whether I agree with them or not. :)

    I wish you luck with your struggle, Charlotte. Sorry I can’t help you with the weight loss process.

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    • Millie says:

      Ryou, maybe it seems to you that cake is not as bad as cigarette but obesity is the base for development of many life threatening disorders, even a small number above the normal BMI is a risk for your health. A lot of people now try to ‘normalize’ obesity or being overweight and call those girls ‘curvy/normal’ but its far from normal. We should set an example for our kids and stop stuffing our faces with junk food. Here is fragment of one of the articles about obesity and its health risks:

      Cardiovascular disease risk increases due to overweight elevating blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, and increasing insulin resistance. The location of excess body fat can further increase CVD risk. Central obesity for example, is directly associated with an increased risk of heart disease. A 20% reduction in body weight can reduce CVD risk by 40%. This can be achieved by keeping BMI in the normal range. Over 50% of all cases of hypertension are simply due to being overweight.

      The incidence of diabetes increases with increasing weight. Diabetes is three times more likely in obese individuals with a BMI of 28 or greater.

      Osteoarthritis symptoms are worse in men and women with a BMI over 25. Excess body weight stresses joint cartilage.

      Cancer risk can increase due to elevated hormones associated with obesity, influencing cancer development. Excess estrogen is linked with reproductive system cancers. Adipose tissue (fat tissue) is a major site of estrogen synthesis in women. Scientists link a BMI of 28 to 30 with an increase in cancer risk.

      Other diseases associated with obesity include sleep apnea, abdominal hernias, varicose veins, gout, gall bladder disease, respiratory problems including pickwickian syndrome (a breathing blockage linked with sudden death), and liver malfunction.

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      • Ryou says:

        You do have a point, although I have to point out that many of the stigma is pretty misguided. Not to mention the ideals in my society (which is Asian, so you can imagine) actually require us to weigh way less than our healthy weight in order to feel any worth as a human being.

        Shall I list out the potential health problems that thin people are more susceptible to than overweight people? Lung failure, osteoporosis, and infertility are the ones I can list off on the top of my head. Being too thin is just as risky as being overweight, yet I don’t see thin people being berated nearly as much as heavier people. How about size 4 models being called too fat? Is that not an attempt to “normalize” unhealthy weight? Even scarier, is that not a normalization that is widely accepted, idealized even, by the young generation?

        Again, as my medical records show, I am actually healthier than most people and no, I don’t load myself with junk food, either. But only because I can’t turn down a salad doesn’t mean I have to live my life never tasting a cupcake; which is what too many people think I should be doing — Sacrificing life’s little pleasures in order to be acknowledged by people who probably mean nothing to me.

        Despite my health, I am way more likely to be given a lecture about health by a judgmental stranger compared to an underweight college student who survives on ramen noodles and McDonald’s. Even when I eat better, don’t smoke, and don’t even drink. Yes, a slice of cake is, in fact, still less harmful to your health than a cigarette.

        Not everyone who’s skinny is healthy, and not everyone who’s healthy is skinny. And even if I’m less healthy than you, what rights do you have to berate me for my life’s choices? Again, unlike smoking in public, my life choices don’t actually harm anyone but myself, so all I ask is please respect that. If I die from my slice of cake, then I promise you won’t be affected in any way.

        Thank you for voicing your opinion. :)

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    • I fully respect your choice Ryou, and envy your happiness in your own skin at whatever size you are – truly, don’t ever lose that. As I’ve lost weight, I haven’t and won’t deny that I feel happier in smaller dress sizes… for completely “superficial” reasons.

      But, I’m also happy to report that at my lowest weight, and with just a hint of muscle beginning to emerge… I felt REALLY happy/proud? at the realisation that I could break into a run to catch my coach home without breaking into a sweat.

      But I guess that what I’m alluding to here is a disappointment at myself for potentially enjoying an unhealthy lifestyle (and I won’t deceive myself that I have the ability to be completely unhealthy around food) more than I enjoyed those other things.

      And that runs a bit deeper emotionally, than wanting to stick two fingers up at society’s standards… I’m totally talking about my own standards. x

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      • Ryou says:

        I’m sorry if I wasn’t being clear before, Charlotte. I fully respect your choices and wasn’t trying to invalidate it at all. If losing weight makes you happy, by all means, do your best at it. (I’m sorry I can’t help, though!) As long as you’re trying to change for yourself and not for other people, then I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

        Just don’t ever forget that you are beautiful as you are, and I doubt people will have a problem accepting you no matter what size you are. <3

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        • Hi Ryou,

          Don’t apologise, I think you were being perfectly clear – I just wanted to make sure it was clear that my reasons for wanting to keep heading down the scales were only 69% superficial ;) xx

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          • Ryou says:

            Even if it’s superficial, as long as you do it to make yourself happy, then I’d say it’s completely justifiable. ;)

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